this was a shitty, shitty weekend. today was the icing on the cake. work was hell. people are assholes and don't konw how to tip. aimie's is going to hell in a handbasket without raina and rob. last night, the 8:40 show didn't start until 9:05. people were pissed. i made no money. it sucked. and then today, when i thought that i was just going to pop into work to get my calculator, they ended up needing me because josh dudley didn't show up for work. not even a phone call...mutherfucker. so i was at aimie's for 9 hours today. also, the waitstaff was not in the best of spirits (raina, have i got some stories for you!).
then. i saw josh at the bar when i was going home. WHY??!??!?!?! why would he go there when he knows i work sundays? does he miss me? is he fucking with my head? maybe he doesn't realize that everytime i see him i breakdown. i sat in my car for 10 or so minutes after i left and just cried and screamed and hit my dashboard, and wanted to see josh, and wanted things to have not changed and fucked up my life, and i wanted him to come to my car and hold me and kiss me and tell me that he misses me, and only wants one more night together. i can't concentrate on school. i can't find time to do anything i want. i don't have my own space. i should have ended things with josh this summer when things were just starting to get bad. this shitty timing is really taking its toll.
i know things happen for a reason. i know things will get better/easier eventually. but right now i'm barely hanging on to normalcy. everyone says how great i'm doing for having just ended a serious relationship - how great it is that the breakup was so mutual. but it still hurts like hell. i still miss josh. fuck it, i still love josh. but i know i'm better off without him. i just want to leave this town and do my own thing, and not have to see the ghosts of our relationship around every corner.
... i guess i'll go do some calculus now since i have a test tomorrow.
fuck this shit.
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